Sex Tips (for Your Soap Dispenser)
* * *
I’ve begun noticing that a few public washrooms are now installing ‘automatic soap dispensers’. I guess the mediocrity of ill-timed, myopic automated faucets weren’t enough to discourage the further exploration of bathroom minutiae (how many times have you waved your hands under a tap only to remove them and then watch the water flow?).
I dunno why automated faucets have been such a successful washroom venture anyhow. Did anyone really find turning a tap that challenging? Oh sure, sometimes the knobs have been installed backwards – the hot’s on the right, the cold’s on the left…and then, there’s the outrage that comes with stepping up to a sink only to find the tap turns in the opposite direction than you expected it to turn – boy, it just sticks in my craw thinking about that one!!!
On the whole however, I’m hard-pressed to say the frustration of working a public sink has ever driven me to the point of aggravation where I punch a mirror or hold the poor bastard in one of the stalls hostage. I save that kind of behavior for driving on our public highways.
No, working the faucets have never been that much of a problem to me. Then again, having been born with the physical gift of thumbs, maybe that’s arrogant of me to say.
Automated soap dispensers on the other hand, are an anal-retentive reaction to the growing paranoia of actually having to touch germ-ridden soap dispensers to obtain the soap with which one is about to use to clean one’s hands free of germs obtained by touching germ-ridden soap dispensers.
If you are not familiar with this new technology, please consult this set of simple directions:
1) place hand under tap repeatedly until you find the ‘sweet spot’ that actually automates water to run. Be patient. This may take some time.
2) place hands under automated soap dispenser until you find the ‘sweet spot’ that actually automates soap to be dispensed. This may also take a few moments longer than say, having to place one hand under the nozzle and by using the other hand, press down on a lever to access the soap. Spend this extra time waving palms frantically under the nozzle and reflecting on the wasted redundancies of counterproductive new techno-gewgaw.
3) When ‘sweet spot’ is finally found, a small dollop of soap will be ejaculated into your hands. Giggle slightly, then work the soapy spunk into a lather and rinse.
Now, to compare with the old set of directions for using ordinary, archaic bar soap, I will borrow this old line from Dennis Miller:
Wet it. Wipe it. Goodnight.
I’ve begun noticing that a few public washrooms are now installing ‘automatic soap dispensers’. I guess the mediocrity of ill-timed, myopic automated faucets weren’t enough to discourage the further exploration of bathroom minutiae (how many times have you waved your hands under a tap only to remove them and then watch the water flow?).
I dunno why automated faucets have been such a successful washroom venture anyhow. Did anyone really find turning a tap that challenging? Oh sure, sometimes the knobs have been installed backwards – the hot’s on the right, the cold’s on the left…and then, there’s the outrage that comes with stepping up to a sink only to find the tap turns in the opposite direction than you expected it to turn – boy, it just sticks in my craw thinking about that one!!!
On the whole however, I’m hard-pressed to say the frustration of working a public sink has ever driven me to the point of aggravation where I punch a mirror or hold the poor bastard in one of the stalls hostage. I save that kind of behavior for driving on our public highways.
No, working the faucets have never been that much of a problem to me. Then again, having been born with the physical gift of thumbs, maybe that’s arrogant of me to say.
Automated soap dispensers on the other hand, are an anal-retentive reaction to the growing paranoia of actually having to touch germ-ridden soap dispensers to obtain the soap with which one is about to use to clean one’s hands free of germs obtained by touching germ-ridden soap dispensers.
If you are not familiar with this new technology, please consult this set of simple directions:
1) place hand under tap repeatedly until you find the ‘sweet spot’ that actually automates water to run. Be patient. This may take some time.
2) place hands under automated soap dispenser until you find the ‘sweet spot’ that actually automates soap to be dispensed. This may also take a few moments longer than say, having to place one hand under the nozzle and by using the other hand, press down on a lever to access the soap. Spend this extra time waving palms frantically under the nozzle and reflecting on the wasted redundancies of counterproductive new techno-gewgaw.
3) When ‘sweet spot’ is finally found, a small dollop of soap will be ejaculated into your hands. Giggle slightly, then work the soapy spunk into a lather and rinse.
Now, to compare with the old set of directions for using ordinary, archaic bar soap, I will borrow this old line from Dennis Miller:
Wet it. Wipe it. Goodnight.
posted by Saucy Monk at 7:00 AM
7 Comments:
This is not in fact a comment on your last post. Although I enjoy pretty much that sort of topic to digress. I can think, wonder, and write pages about a thread of hair which falls slowly as it is floating in the air and finds its place to land right on my hot bowl of chicken soup. And, now, I leave to answer your question - No, I am not serious. I am nothing like a serious person!!!
LAILA CHRIS
I think your posts are hilarious and brilliant. I just started my blog a few days ago, and after reading a few of yours, it now seems worth while knowing there are people like out there. I especially liked the oxygen bar comment. Some people are really stupid. Some people pay to be stupid. WOW! Thanks for your comment and I bookmarked your blogs. Bye for now.
chikkity. thanks for the remarks. and thanks for allowing me to say i now have someone named "chikkity" in my inner circle.
I have less problems with public bathroom soap dispensers than those damn urinals that for some reason make it impossible to piss in without causing a urine ricochet effect. Then guys give you that evil look when you use the regular toilet too urinate. I think these bathroom designers are working on the wrong thing.
I'm going to start keeping tabs of all the blogs I comment on that I leave misspelled words on "too" should be "to"
wyatt, thanks for the insight. Please don't tell me you also know the secret to the 'special sauce' at McDonald's.
What a coincidence! I used my first auto-soap dispenser today!
I don't think I've ever related to a blog post like this one.
Post a Comment
<< Home