Nevermind Oscar....Enter the Smonks.
It’s finally arrived! Oscar weekend! The Academy Awards – something that gets me even more excited than my semi-annual brazillian testicle waxing! Yay for the Oscars!
I know what you’re thinking. Aww Monk, you’re not about to turn all sardonic and trash the Oscars now are ye? Well, calm yourself fellow blog-chum. Truth is, I am somewhat connected to the filmworld and have been privy to almost all the films nominated, so it would be hypocritical and back-handed of me to do that.
Still, I must say…
I’ve never quite understood the hype surrounding the Oscars. And it is hype. It’s all about red carpets, designer gowns, anticipating the possibility that Joan Rivers face will be so tight her eyeballs will pop out of her head…you know, all of which have little to do with the movies they’re supposedly celebrating. These days, the Oscars have about as much depth as Paris Hilton daydreaming about the color pink at a Mensa meeting.
But as I said, I’m not here to be cynical.
I actually look forward to this weekend. It means that tiring, over-bloated Oscar hype will soon go away. Maybe we’ll even start turning some attention back to important things that are happening in the real world. But I’m not holding my breath.
Anyhow, to catch up with the Oscar fever (in my own Saucy way) I now present to you my Saucy Monk Awards, or The Smonks (for short).
Most Over-Exposed, Under-Talented Male Actor - Ben Stiller. Please go away for at least a couple weeks, you one trick pony.
Most Over-Exposed, Under-Talented Female Actor – Paris Hilton. Which is weird because I don’t think she even starred in any movies and isn’t even an actress. But you tell me – haven’t you seen more of her bony frame than your own mother this year? Which reminds me, don’t you think you owe your mother a call?
Best Supporting Bra – Tara Reid (for not wearing one at P.Diddy's Birthday Bash).
Sexiest Actress The Monk Would Break His Oath of Celibacy For – Halle Berry, as long she wears that Catwoman costume. Meeee-ow.
Most Daring Performance In A Movie – The Fat Guy who runs out of the house buck-naked chasing Paul Giamatti in Sideways. With all that disgusting full-frontal bouncing flab, this was the bravest role I’ve seen all year. I nearly puked. Bravo!
Most Mysterious and Unmerited Box-Office Success – Meet The Fokkers. I seriously give up on people. Any movie with a play on the word “fuck” in the title is pure “shid” in my opinion. If they really wanna milk this, they’ll call the next one “Go Ask Fokker”. (giggle, giggle – they almost said Ass Fucker) Ka-ching! 200 million in the bank.
And finally…
Most Over-hyped, Under-delivered and Ultimately Insignificant Event of 2004 – The Oscars.
So that’s it. Celebrate Oscar weekend in your own unique way. Me, I will be honoring it in my own honorable style. I’m going to Montreal to eat smoked meat sandwiches, get wasted in smoky pubs and try to pick up a cute French girl.
Hooray for Hollywood!
I know what you’re thinking. Aww Monk, you’re not about to turn all sardonic and trash the Oscars now are ye? Well, calm yourself fellow blog-chum. Truth is, I am somewhat connected to the filmworld and have been privy to almost all the films nominated, so it would be hypocritical and back-handed of me to do that.
Still, I must say…
I’ve never quite understood the hype surrounding the Oscars. And it is hype. It’s all about red carpets, designer gowns, anticipating the possibility that Joan Rivers face will be so tight her eyeballs will pop out of her head…you know, all of which have little to do with the movies they’re supposedly celebrating. These days, the Oscars have about as much depth as Paris Hilton daydreaming about the color pink at a Mensa meeting.
But as I said, I’m not here to be cynical.
I actually look forward to this weekend. It means that tiring, over-bloated Oscar hype will soon go away. Maybe we’ll even start turning some attention back to important things that are happening in the real world. But I’m not holding my breath.
Anyhow, to catch up with the Oscar fever (in my own Saucy way) I now present to you my Saucy Monk Awards, or The Smonks (for short).
Most Over-Exposed, Under-Talented Male Actor - Ben Stiller. Please go away for at least a couple weeks, you one trick pony.
Most Over-Exposed, Under-Talented Female Actor – Paris Hilton. Which is weird because I don’t think she even starred in any movies and isn’t even an actress. But you tell me – haven’t you seen more of her bony frame than your own mother this year? Which reminds me, don’t you think you owe your mother a call?
Best Supporting Bra – Tara Reid (for not wearing one at P.Diddy's Birthday Bash).
Sexiest Actress The Monk Would Break His Oath of Celibacy For – Halle Berry, as long she wears that Catwoman costume. Meeee-ow.
Most Daring Performance In A Movie – The Fat Guy who runs out of the house buck-naked chasing Paul Giamatti in Sideways. With all that disgusting full-frontal bouncing flab, this was the bravest role I’ve seen all year. I nearly puked. Bravo!
Most Mysterious and Unmerited Box-Office Success – Meet The Fokkers. I seriously give up on people. Any movie with a play on the word “fuck” in the title is pure “shid” in my opinion. If they really wanna milk this, they’ll call the next one “Go Ask Fokker”. (giggle, giggle – they almost said Ass Fucker) Ka-ching! 200 million in the bank.
And finally…
Most Over-hyped, Under-delivered and Ultimately Insignificant Event of 2004 – The Oscars.
So that’s it. Celebrate Oscar weekend in your own unique way. Me, I will be honoring it in my own honorable style. I’m going to Montreal to eat smoked meat sandwiches, get wasted in smoky pubs and try to pick up a cute French girl.
Hooray for Hollywood!
posted by Saucy Monk at 12:46 PM
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