More Rock Band Names I've Just Thought Up

Use ‘em if ya like ‘em.

Just one more free service for the public, courtesy of the Saucy Monk:

The Bumpin’ Uglies
The Thompson Triplets
Rod Stewart’s Pubic Region
F.Y.B.S. (or Fuck Your Bullshit)
The Hairy Mucous
Plagiarizing Amadeus
Dogfuckers Delight
The Bladder Control Band
The Shiteating String Quartet

We Gotta Segue Moving In From The West

The other day I actually heard a TV weatherman open his segment by saying this:

“Will the real Captain Sunshine please stand up?”

Y’know, he’s really not doing his reputation any good.

Question For Ya

*

Exactly when did cemetaries become memorial homes?

*

Kid Or Krishna - Which Is It, Cooter?

Ya know wo needs to be pinned down and have their skulls cracked open with a billiards cue while small marsupials nibble on their brain matter? These trashy piles of monkey vomit who cut their 3 and 4 year olds' hair into rat tails.

You know what I'm talking about - those frightening scarring hair fashions where the hair is short all except for a few long strands at the very back that hang down like...well, a rat's ass.

Every now and again I come across some poor, unknowing kid sporting this disgusting hair horror and all I want to do is cut it off, grab the kid's parent in a headlock and force them to eat the fucking hair.

I mean where does it come from? Most of these WalMart greasy fucks don't have rat tails themselves - why impose such a traumatic, unnecessary and ugly lack of style upon their children? Don't these kids have enough problems growing up with parents who are also blood relations?

Even More Cool Than A Smoking Monkey

The coolest animal on the planet is the seeing-eye dog.

No shit.

Word To The Youth

Dear kids,

It's important to always remember to believe that anything is possible...

...even abject poverty and life-crippling failure.

Always helpful,
S.M.

*

Fat Bottomed News

www.uni.uiuc.edu/library/blog/blog_images/fastfood.jpg

Whenever they have a story about obesity on the television news, they always show a lot of fat people's torsos walking around, but they cut their heads out of frame.

What's the problem here anyway? Are these people so unsightly they don't want to show us their hideous faces? Surely, there are some pretty portly folks out there. I've seen 'em. Why can't the cameras find 'em?

Or is it that the oh-so sensitive newsmakers are sparing these people from a shamelessly embarrassing expose about their weight on TV? Like a 300 pounder in tight denim jeans may not be aware they're...ya know...kinda big.

Personally, I think it would be more embarrassing to find out your fat ass was good enough to make the 6 o'clock news, but not your face.

But Then, I Have Been Told I Look Like Spock

Eyes are supposed to better than fingerprints for identification but I got a problem with this.

Now I've never been good with math, but they say the chance of 2 irises being the same are 10 to the 78th power. But the entire population of Earth is only 10 to the 10th power.

So...if the population is only 10 to the 10th power, how do they know that 2 identical irises are 10 to the 78th power?

And, if that's true...does this mean there is some alien walking around on Pluto with my eyes?

Jobs That Must Suck #18

*

- being the guy who has to put all those little rubber bands on lobster's claws.

*

More Disney Movies Yer Unlikely To See

Behind The Green Door With Pocahontas
Mickey Mouse Blows Steamboat Willie
Finding Nemo's Penis
The Haunted Crackhouse
Uncle Scrooge Touches Huey, Duey & Louie
Aladdin Rubs His Magic Lamp

5 Disney Movies You're Unlikely To See

Pinocchio Gets A Hard-on

The Little Mermaid Does Atlantis

Donald Duck Gets The Bird Flu

Herbie The Heavily Contagious Love Bug

Sport Goofy Has An Aneurysm aka The Final Sport Goofy Movie

Blue Light Special On Blowing Shit Up

There's a shop near my apartment called The Spy Depot. In it's window they display a "car bomb detector".

Talk about your specialty items.

Don't get me wrong. Its not that I think said item isn't needed. And I understand that there is a market for it out there. After all, if you are, say, a newly-appointed Iraqi cabinet minister pushing for a bill to create an "American Appreciation Day" who somehow instantly and magically got teleported from downtown Baghdad on Election Day and landed right in front of this store window...I might see how you could have an impulse buy.

However, anyone else who seriously stops to look (or purchase) a car bomb detector in downtown Toronto is completely paranoid and should really lay off the Fox News for a couple of days.

Listen up Commando Suburbia, somehow I seriously doubt someone's jacked up your Jetta with TNT all Chuck Bronson-like while you were munching on a calzone at Eastside Mario's.

Take a breath.

Have a donut.

And relax.