Vacation...All I Ever Wanted.

on vacation for a short while. Check back soon.

Until then, check out the continuing madness at the other site:

www.saucymonk.blogspot.com

You Can Keep This Record, Pal.

Radhakant Bajpai of India has set the world record for longest ear hair at an incredible 13.2 cm (5.19 in) in length. In response, Bajpai said, "Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family...God has been very kind to me."

No. No, God hasn't.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.

In my ongoing quest to find the exact point when North American culture went straight to shit, I've discovered this artifact from the New Kids on the Block circa 1990. True, I don't expect it be be Yeats, but please read on and understand...if you're not part of the solution, your part of the problem.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.

(rap:) just get on the floor and do the new kids’ dance.

Don’t worry ’bout nothing ’cause it won’t take long.
(rap:) we’re gonna put you in a trance with a funky song, ’cause you gotta be
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) we’re rough.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top.
(rap:) don’t cross our path ’cause you’re gonna get stomped.
We ain’t gonna give anybody any slack.
(rap:) and if you try to keep us down we’re gonna come right back,
And you know we’re

Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) are you tough enough?
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) we’re rough.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Get loose everybody ’cause we’re gonna do our thing.

(rap:) ’cause you know it ain’t over ’till the fat lady sings.
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) are you tough enough?
Hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough, hangin’ tough.
(rap:) we’re rough.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, just hangin’ tough, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hangin’ tough.
(repeat & fade)

P.S. - can anyone tell me what "hangin' tough" actually means?

The Sperm Count

So, health professionals have discovered that for men with low sperm counts, sexual abstinence -- but only for a day -- increases semen quality.

Among the samples classified as being low sperm counts, peak sperm concentration occurred after 1 day of abstinence and declined thereafter.

The percentage of normal sperm also peaked at 1 to 2 days of abstinence for low-count men.

Samples with normal sperm counts showed a slight decline in sperm concentration during 2 days of abstinence, followed by a gradual increase to a peak on days 6 and 7.

Seven days of abstinence will improve sperm quality among men with normal semen, the researchers add, but abstinence beyond 10 days is not recommended.

And if you find that convoluted, here's the real male point of view: "honey, wake me up if you wanna hump."

More True Facts (I Just Made Up)

A giant 75ft squid lives deep underneath the Atlantic Ocean. He only answers to the name Larry.

The loudest noise ever known was produced by a volcanic eruption at Krakatoa, near Javan. However, it was drowned out by the word “fuck” when someone named Mabutu screamed after being scolded by hot lava.

The Stegosaurus was one of the most famous of the dinosaurs and was an impressive 9 metres long. But it’s real fame came after it learned to do the charleston.

The longest recorded swim was 2938 km down the Mississippi River in 1930 before the body washed to shore.

It is impossible to scream and puke at the same time.

The ancient Egyptians worshipped a sky goddess named Britney.

Congratulations, Quiet Now.

Wow, I'm so damn excited...

I have just been asked to be an honorary spokesperson for a charity called the International Society of Shut Your Piehole.

Well, what can I say - I like to help people.

Abisms - Pt. 1

In homage to some my Pa's sayings, here's a short compendium. Some make sense, some just plain don't.

That’s a fine how do you do.

Drier than a witch’s tit.

Like picking shit from a tall cow’s ass.

More slippery than ‘hoil.

Like shit through a goose.

So hungry I could eat the asshole out of a skunk.

...to be continued.

Have You Heard The One About The Ridulous Airline?

I recently took a flight on WestJet, a discount airline in Canada, which likes to take a more "personal" approach towards customer service.

As they were about to board the plane, a customer agent came over the P.A. and said, "whoever wants to board the plane first, just come up and tell us a joke over the P.A.". Well, this was kind of cute. Tell a joke, get on the jet first. How clever.

I did get on the plane first, but I'm not so sure they'll be trying that game again. I guess they never heard my joke before:

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster, what would you have?
2 feet of my cock in your ass.

5 Reasons Why Mork Was Gay As A Tangerine

5 reasons I'm convinced Mork from Ork was more than just a light in the loafers:

- the rainbow suspenders.
- no proof ever had sex with Mindy, yet had a son.
- had a 60 year-old live-in son after supposedly ejecting a small egg from his navel...ya, okay.
- was introduced on Happy Days when he tried to kidnap Ritchie Cunningham (who's sexual orientation is also on the table).
- "Na-Noo, Na-Noo": code for "meet me in the bathroom, third stall from the end".

A Forrest Gump Re-write

And now...a famous scene from Forrest Gump:

Forrest Gump

Will you marry me? [Jenny turns and looks at him] I'd make a good husband, Jenny.

Jenny Curran

You would, Forrest.

Forrest Gump

But you won't marry me.

Jenny Curran

You don't wanna marry me.

Forrest Gump

Why don't you love me, Jenny? I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is.

And now the scene they edited out:

Forrest Gump

Will you marry me? [Jenny turns and looks at him] I'd make a good husband, Jenny.

Jenny Curran

You would, Forrest.

Forrest Gump

But you won't marry me.

Jenny Curran

You don't wanna marry me.

Forrest Gump

Why don't you love me, Jenny? I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is.

Jenny Curran

Ya, well do you know what crabs are? How about gonorrhea? The Clap mean anything to you, Forrest? Is that what you want? Or maybe it's the herpes you're after, is that it Mister 'I Know What Love Is'?

Forrest Gump

Oh, I see. [pause] Momma always said you were like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Like A Dog Chasing Its Arsehole...

Ok, I get the concept of the turnstile door. It keeps drafts from blowing in and it's just plain exciting for simple-minded folk to walk through a 360 degree door.

I also get the idea of the automated door. Ya push the button, the door slowly opens. I get it. It’s for those carrying heavy loads or the handicapped, right? Cool.

So what is it with these retarded automatic-turnstile doors?

They’re too small and circular for wheelchairs. And no one trying to move a big old "frojsta" from Ikea would even dare attempt that kind of manouvre.

So who’s it for? Now I guess the rest of us must slowly wait for this automated piece of shit to let us out when we could normally just push ourselves through in half the time. It can’t be cheaper than an ordinary turnstile door, let alone a good old-fashioned normal door (whatever happened to those by the way? A flat chunk of wood with a knob on the right - my kind of simplicity), so what’s the deal?

One can hear the ridiculous door salesman making his pitch:

“Just think of the advantage of thousands of customers entering your building in a semi-circle pattern because they no longer need to touch the door at all!”

Wow, is there that many anal-retentive germaphobes really out there? Yep, there really is, my friend. In fact, now that I’ve finished typing this out on my keyboard, I must retreat to the bathroom and wash my hands 4 times.