People I Have Never Met

(and don't necessarily need to)

Barbara Walters
Jermaine Jackson
Kim Jong-Il
Charles Manson
any of the Royal Family
any of the Osmond Family
anyone who's ever been a guest on Jerry Springer
the milquetoast muthafucker who draws The Family Circus comic strip
Benny Hinn
anyone with a foreign object growing out of their face
someone without a pupil
anyone with the name "Kip"
any guy who brags about being able to blow himself
a guy with "fuck people" tatooed on his forehead

Famous Movie Quotes You Missed

In the stellar 1990 drama (Top Gun rip-off) FIRE BIRDS starring Nicolas Cage, these eloquent examples of cinematic prose are spoken:

Mr. Preston, this operation will be a failure if we all die!

Rules of engagement: one, whoever sees the other person first is the winner; two, whoever gets seen first is toast.

When we have mastered these tactics, we will use them to seek out and confront the forces of evil and kill 'em deader than hell!

Makes ya grateful for Hollywood, don't it?

Rock Band Names I've Just Thought Up

(these are all unpatented so please feel free to take any you like and adapt it to work for you and your mediocre shitpiece rock outfit...I'm always here to help the hopeless dreamers):

The Skinny Fat Bitch
Giant Skrotum On The Loose
Adam West's Hairpiece
Jiminy Crackhead
The Taint
The Huge Bunch of Assholes
The Scab Pickers
Sweaty Pouch
Fleabag McFucker

Epiphanies on a Hangover

I have just learned two important things:

I woke up today and didn't know where my wallet was. That's about the time you know you are probably sober again.

As we go through life, we are always in a various stage of puking.

The Generic Hollywood Movie Review

Wow. This movie has got it all! Heart! Humor! Laughs-a-minute! Tears! Scares! Thrills! Cheers! Excitement! Action! Adventure! Buzz! Drama! Emotion! Heat! Intoxication! Melodrama!. Passion! Rage! Warmth! A great message! Tenderness! Levity! Spirit! Joy! Gags! Fun! Comedy! Wit! Energy! Surprises! Twists! Turns! A terrific cast! Soul! Charm! Romance! Talent! Tension! Suspense! Magic! Charisma! Appeal! Class! Glamour!

…and Non-stop Laughs!

It is great for the whole family. Fun for the whole family. Perfect for the whole family. Family fun. The comedy of the year! The drama of the year! The movie of the year! The most important movie of the year! The funniest movie of the year! The feel-good movie of the year! The most original movie of the year! The surprise hit of the year. The surprise hit of the summer! The funniest movie of the summer! This summer’s best action movie! The summer’s best comedy! The summer’s scariest movie! A summer blockbuster! A holiday treat! A must see! A spine-tingler! A popcorn movie! A roller coaster ride! A laugh-out loud romp! A tearjerker! A heartwarmer! Scary as hell! Hip! Smart! Compelling! A knockout punch! An enormous spectacle! Teriffic! Fast-paced! Slick! Superbly acted! Poignant! Intelligent! Hilarious! Superb! Amazing! Astonishing! Screamingly funny! Will touch you deeply! Make you laugh til you cry! Oscar-worthy! Oscar-calibre! A masterpiece! A timeless classic!

You must see this movie!

Smell D'Jour

Today's offensive, body-emitting smell of the day on the subway ride to work:

- burnt licorice, with a hint of overripe banana, rosemary and rotten, fermented salmon.

Why can't these people shower once in a while?

10 Books That Sound Like They Could Be For Kids...But Really Aren't

Daddy Gets the Clap
Camel Toes
Green Eggs and Hermaphrodites
Three-Way Around-The-World In 80 Days
Jacob Two Two and the Hooded Thang
The Lion, The Witch And Their Relationship To Quantum Physics and You
Amputee Lee and the Adventures of Protheseeus
Dildo Fever
Johnny Pops A Cap For Daddy
The Amphetamine Kid

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10 Self-Help Books For The Helpless

1) What Color Is Your Faulty Parachute?
2) So You Don't Like Yourself. I Don't Like You Either.
3) Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Planet Zoloft.
4) The Art of Absolute Failure.
5) Depression Is A Motherfucker.
6) The Grass Is Greener...But You'll Never Know Any Different.
7) The Courage To Grieve Loved Ones and Tips For Your Body Odor.
8) Battling Your Bolimia, You Fat Pig.
9) The Road Less Travelled - Sucks Edition.
10) How To Stop Smoking and Start Living On Crack Instead.

Bust A Cap in Your Corporate Ass

I just saw an office building security guard here in downtown Toronto wearing a Kevlar vest.

What does an office-hall monitor need a flak jacket for? In case a couple of financial analysts can't agree on investment strategies and a gunfight breaks out in the food court?

Bad boys, bad boys...watcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Nasdaq goes down on you?

The Trendsetter Says...

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According to the trendsetter of oxymorons, 'abstinence' is the new 'sleeping around'.

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Famous Quotes # 62

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you're a hooker?

- arthur

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Famous Quotes # 34

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Shazbot. Na-noo, Na-noo.

- Mork from Ork.

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